Endless confusion

I suppose this blog helps when I’m feeling distraught, I just open a page and start writing whatever comes to mind, as strange or blurred as it sometimes may seem. I do not review, correct and tweak what I post here as I would a professional exposé or standard written communication, for I believe that in this overly rehearsed life,  there’s a big need for spontaneity and impulsive creation, however raw and rough the end result may turn out to be.

So today’s rant comes to you from my confounded mind that hasn’t stopped working for nine long months now. Needless to say it needs a break, but that’s unfortunately not part of the plan. Starting from the begginning, I graduated from high school 7 years ago at the top of my class, went on to obtain my masters from university without ever failing a single subject, was hired by a multinational company and worked hard for a whole year whilst simultaneously freelancing in completely different domains, and now…I’m lost. I made a big decision a few months back to leave my job and take some time to rethink everything. I know I’m lucky to be able to take a step back and reflect, not everyone has the luxury to do so, or even consider such risky behaviour; I take pleasure in giving way to my eccentricities, my desire to do precisely what most would tell me not to. I do not enjoy my career, it simply doesn’t feel good going every day to a job that doesn’t add value to my life or that of those around me. I love creating, I thrive for whatever I can challenge myself to make, but I don’t want to end up at 50, 60 or 80 wondering what I brought to this world. I want to know now what I can do, how tiny ol’ me can help this suffering planet grow positively. I’m asking too much, I know, I always have, but I can’t help it; I want more. I find it funny how my kind of greed doesn’t involve money or food or possession, I want more for others, as well as some personal satisfaction to keep me going; leave material compensation for everyone else, it simply doesn’t interest me.

Nevertheless, I can proclaim my intentions every day and write them on walls or spray paint them on all 4 sides of the Empire State Bldg, that doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t know what to do; I have a multitude of skills and nowhere to put them to good use. And so the big question remains unanswered: now what?


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