Something bold, something true, something buried, something new

There is something quite difficult about starting anything; I always find myself deeply confused at the commencement of every new journey, new adventure, relationship of any sort, or in this case new blog. I have tried to keep a blog a couple of times before, but somehow always managed to put it aside, forget about it or even worse, stop relating to it as if someone else had created it and just put my name on it haphazardly. I suppose it’s the same for every decision we make; we act and then we question, we find excuses before actually finding the problem we’re so eager to justify. However, we’re human, no matter how plain or insignificant that can sometimes seem, we do have to start somewhere, and perhaps for once, worries will come a bit further down the road instead of ruining our endlessly renewed beginnings. So here goes nothing!

Hello. My education, no matter how eccentric it sometimes seemed, taught me that good manners will never go out of style. So hello. Hello, you who are reading, hello even if nobody’s paying attention, just hello. My name is – that’s the logical second step isn’t it? First hello, then formal introductions. Well today my name is Bonnie, like Bonnie and Clyde. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be Rebecca or Vivienne, but that’s a whole other day with a whole different bunch of dreams. I guess her crazy life seems exciting right now as I type, sitting at my desk, dreaming up a brand new adventure, one I may never go on, one that may seem less thrilling once I do.

I am ever-changing, and it frightens me sometimes; the way my heart beats as a new direction stands glaringly in front of me, taunting me to take it, forever insatiable. I have been dizzy for as long as I’ve breathed, I have twirled and spun myself till I fell, but still got right back up and went at it again. You see, nothing has ever been stable in my 25 years here, places, friends, emotions, needs, fantasies. I haven’t hung on to favorite songs or pinpointed goals or even chosen one alternative name for myself. I want it all and I want nothing at once, I want cold weather and summer dresses, I want adventure as well as safety, I want a home and I want the world.

Now how’s that for a start? I really never know what I’m going to write, or paint when I stand in front of a brand new canvas. I just let things happen, the way I’ve always let the world happen to me. There’s beauty in being lost, a calming certainty that no matter how lost you feel or how far away you wander, nothing is truly lost forever.


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